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First (in person) Date [Oct. 1st, 2011|04:35 pm]

I had my first date today with someone I met through an online dating site. I suppose I should specify that this date was in-person because we have actually had several phone dates before. This seems to be backwards from the way that I expect things to go. I expect to first see someone in person and then talk to them on the phone or online. Instead we first exchanged messages, then instant messages, had phone conversations and finally met in person.

We met at a coffeehouse about equidistant from our respective homes, though actually a few minutes longer drive for me. I got there about ten minutes early. She got there a few minutes late after getting lost along the way. I bought a cup of coffee before she arrived. She bought herself a cup of hot cider. I hope that she was OK with buying herself something. Perhaps I should have offered or at least waited. Of course, I had not even sat down before she showed up. I was going to sit at a table with high stools so my legs could dangle. She insisted on sitting at a regular height table.

I guess it's hard to conceptualize a person from looking at a picture. It took me a moment, but I did recognize her. She is definitely very pretty. She kept pulling at her jacket and I wondered if me looking at her made her uncomfortable. I told her that she is very pretty and she responded, "It doesn't matter--thanks." I was amused to notice that I had a blue v-neck sweater on and she had a pink v-neck sweater.

On one of our phone conversations, she had asked me if I was uncomfortable with silences and I had said no. Was she hinting that she was uncomfortable with silences? Today, we found a number of things to talk about despite knowing so much from profiles, messages, instant messages, and phone conversations. She told me that she needed time to reflect on our date and that I would learn that she over thinks everything.

She's funny and smart. The one thing that was even a little bit negative was a lack of confidence on her part. I hope that she decides that the date went well enough to continue getting to know each other.

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Borrowed Dreams [Aug. 7th, 2011|01:10 pm]

The more tired and uninspired I get the more I feel the need to fill myself with other people's fantasies and stories. I eat up movies and books and TV shows. The more fantastical the better. Some times dystopian visions will do it, but for the best and most long-lasting charge I need happy endings.If there's no challenge or sadness it doesn't feel real, but I get plenty of despair from listening to the news or reading help wanted ads.

When did I lose track of my own dreams? I was great at imagining things back in third and fourth grade. Before I could properly write letters I was filling chapbooks with imaginative stories. Where has my creativity gone? Worst of all is trying to remember my dreams for my own life. I once had certainty I wanted to be an astronaut. I once had certainty that I wanted to be a marine biologist. Where is my certainty now?

I know I'm not going to find out that I am next in line to a throne in some obscure country. I know I will not grow up to guard Moroi as a powerful dhampir guardian. It is highly unlikely that meeting the love of my life will solve all of my problems even if it were to happen soon. Still these dreams give me the strength to keep eating and living even if just for a short while.

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Three Little Words [Dec. 20th, 2010|12:04 am]
In a dream last night I heard a voice telling me, "I forgive you." Those are some pretty powerful words, but there are so many questions. What am I forgiven for? Who is forgiving me? I am not much for the concept of sin. If something's wrong then that's enough without the need for additional justification from God or punishment not commensurate with the wrong.

Still I felt a powerful sense of positive regard. What had I done wrong? What was I forgiven for? It seems important to me, but which of my errors could it be.
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Deconstructing My Self [Dec. 15th, 2010|02:24 pm]

Where do my desires from? Where do I get my dreams and my values? If all that I believe comes from loving others who believed in those things do I really have my own beliefs. If I believe in peace because I loved women who believe in peace do I really believe in peace? If I believe in feminism because I love a sister who believes in feminism do I really believe in feminism? If I love theology and historical biblical criticism because I love my mother who loves theology and historical biblical criticism do I really love those things?

At what time in my life was I free of such influence? Can I look to my childhood to find my purest desires? Even in childhood I find my love of science fiction traces back to time spent with my family doing what they enjoyed. For a time, I wanted to be a marine biologist when I grew up, but is that because my parents are scientists or because my father was taken to the ocean on vacations as a child? Was it because I was taken to vacations at the ocean as a child?

If I can track the origins of my desires and convictions to their origins does that make them less real? Does that make them less valid? Are these all the result of emotional fusion with others? How can I plot a course if I can only differentiate myself from others beginning with the present time? Where do I draw the lines and claim this is me, I am my own?

Once, a mentor told me to proclaim, "I am not broken and do not need to be fixed!" This functions as a sort of bulwark against the encroaching will of my parents for my life to turn to the way that they desire. Not quite so directly my mentor also reminded me of the many areas where I need to grow. Throwing off perfectionism and a sense that one has turned out the "wrong" way is not enough.

My idealism about knowing all the facts can be paralyzing. I am always forced to act with partial knowledge and if I act in small and limited ways it does not keep life from progressing. I am no longer a teenager regardless of any desires I might have to the contrary. I have lived my life even if others would have lived it differently. I am where I am. Life will not become easier merely by me willing it so.

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Thanksgiving [Nov. 26th, 2010|05:39 pm]
[Current Location |Parent's house]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Pandora]

So I'm back visiting my parents for the holiday. I find myself dreading that conversation about my gender identity that my father wants to have every time I come home. Last time he pulled out a real gem--your sister's landlord is in the closet and well-respected by his neighborhood, couldn't you do something like that?

OK, so I have talked about my gender identity with some close friends, but it isn't like I go around in miniskirts all the time. One would think choosing a feminine shortened form of my first name for a nickname and have longish hair (not even down to my shoulders) would be subtle enough not to set off alarm bells for the 'rents. My best friend in the world doesn't see me the way I want to be seen, but my father always gives me a hard time for being feminine and my supervisor for CPE did too. Of course, my supervisor claimed she would say the same things whether I was a woman or a man, but I'm not sure that I believe it.

Part of the problem is that I am neither pre-feminist nor post-liberal. I enjoy things like makeup, leggings, and skirts, but I don't think women should be defined by them. I may love pink, but I don't want to have to pull out pink items to prove who I am. I maybe sexually submissive, but I enjoy dominant women and I think that not all would be right with the world if there were none of them.

Is my father right that if I were more conformist or didn't use my nickname then I would be successful financially and romantically? I really don't think so, but even if I did I am only now claiming my Self and I am not willing to give that up. That means that my time with my parents is far more uncomfortable with that frenemy-like anxiety.

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The Right Kind of Support [Apr. 26th, 2010|12:56 pm]
My parents are willing, sometimes too willing to lend me money. I may need their help in that way at some point, but it's not what I need right now. I am a little light in the self-confidence and street skills. I need to be better at getting regular, high turnover jobs. I need to be better at making phone calls to people. Offering a chance to come to graduation should not feel like an onerous effort.
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Dream [Sep. 20th, 2008|11:16 am]

I was in this circular room with a couple of partners. We had to solve these ppuzzles in order to defeat those who wanted to destroy us. Our time was running out, but it seemed like we we were going to succeed.
I was outside in the yard and I could see this giant ray gun with three prongs was turning, aiming at our place. One of the people in charge of the ray gun came over and was gleefully talking about knitting a pale green cashmere sweater. I told her she needed to stop the ray gun before it killed me partners and I as well as destroying our structure. She dismissed it as an unimportant detail and went back to talking about her sweater. I became enraged and began pushing her around--trying to get her to pay attention. I didn't push her hard enough to hurt her, but hard enough that she couldn't keep her focus on the sweater.

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Searing Jealousy [May. 15th, 2008|01:11 am]
[mood |aargh!!]

I have or perhaps had a friend who became my best friend this year. He is more than 30 years older than me. He is also so overweight that he can barely walk. His weight also interferes with his breathing, so he cannot skip hours of being on an oxygen concentrator machine while he sleeps. He was always worried that I would not like him because of his weight or his age or his strong opinions.

He's wrong though, none of that mattered much. What matters to me is not making commitments that you cannot keep. He would suggest that we eat lunch or dinner together and then cancel. He did not do this just once, but again and again and again. I even planned and paid for most of a trip that was designed just to cheer him up. He decided not to come at the last minute and sent along just his boyfriend instead.

I understand that sometimes he reneges on his commitments because of his health. If he's turning blue then there's no way he can be there. Sometimes he breaks his commitments because he is feeling depressed. In the end it does not matter why someone is unreliable, simply that they are unreliable.

Yesterday, he exploded at me. I told him that I was considering being apartment mates with a friend of ours who was losing his apartment mate at the end of this month. He was so angry he could barely speak. He actually hung up on me a couple of times.

Apparently, the few times that we had discussed living together next year to him represented a firm plan. How was I supposed to know that this was the one plan that he would stick to? In fact, the main difference here seems to be that I am the one who is not sticking with a commitment. I am the one letting him down.

Him letting me down is supposed to be fine, but the first time I let him down by not seeing the importance of this possible future it's too much. He even suggests that he might leave town never to return and, for all I know, he has. We did not have a place to live and he had not even begun searching, but this was a firm plan in his mind.

Meanwhile, I am living with an annoying apartment mate whose horrid table manners I experience without the benefit of fellowship that actually eating together provides. Also, this guy really can't take a hint because he literally and not just figuratively cannot see your nonverbal signals. I don't want to hate my apartment mate and I am getting pretty close.

A real opportunity for me to live with a different apartment mate comes up and I want to share my joy with my best friend. I tell my best friend and he is hurt and shocked. He suggests that I am interested in this possible apartment mate because of his youth and beauty. He also reminds me in a, sort of, woe is me waythat he is old and fat suggesting that this must be why I have decided to stab him in the back. I find myself flabbergasted.

When did we make a firm commitment and how was I supposed to differentiate between this commitment and all of those he reneged on? He complains that I should know he has no time to look for a place because he is in an intensive. He also complains that he has a lease that lasts throughout the summer that he has to pay. He complains about his depressed, needy and unreliable boyfriend. He complains about his crush who is straight or at least too far in the closet to be a real prospect. He complains about people whom I love, saying that he hates how they are always dealing with their personal issues

Now what am I supposed to do? This fit of pique by my best friend makes my previous desire to live with him go away. On top of that he now says that he is taking himself out of the running saying that he would not want to unduly influence my decision. In some ways I am back where I started before I knew that my considerations of living in an apartment with someone were such a heated topic. I am still considering whether or not to move, but I feel shell shocked.

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Check Bouncer [Feb. 11th, 2008|01:00 pm]
I disgust myself. I have enough money. Why can't I keep track of it? I'm sure it's in the same part of my brain that makes me lose my wallet and my keys. My bank account is in the red again. If only I had been more on top of sending my deposit into the credit union I would be OK. Maybe I really do need a local bank in order to be able to function. Having to drive an hour to deposit by ATM or wait days to weeks for a check to arrive at the credit union by mail may just be something I cannot handle. Local access may be a luxury for other people, but for me it may turn out to be a necessity.
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A Future Sex Addict [Feb. 11th, 2008|12:46 pm]
How does one get out of being attention starved? At what point does it become possible to get some of this intimacy I'm craving? Being a sex addict may sound silly right now, because by most definitions I have never had sex, but I can see the paths that could lead me there.

Is my present lack of sex with others evidence to the contrary? Well, first you have to ask yourself whether it involves a choice on my part. I certainly have the money to go after prosititutes if that was what I wanted. I don't know where any are, but that is hardly a hurdle for an addict. I live next to, nearly on a college campus. I am reasonable attractive and reasonably close to the age of students there. Both of these seem to suggest that I am not going after one night stands and available promiscuous sex.

The pessimistic part of me tells me that I am too ugly or I just haven't had the right opportunities. I hope those aren't the reasons that I do not have sex with people constantly. I would like to think that I have principled reasons. My last girlfriend told me that my status as a virgin scared her. She said it would be too much pressure to be my first time. This leaves me in the position of not really having a choice when it came to that relationship.

Perhaps it is not so much that I am ugly, but that I put off all of the wrong social signals. Would I want to be the kind of person described by the news as "local lothario"? I know that I have emotional needs that I am not satisfying. Awareness is a first step, but I what I need are healthy solutions.
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