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Hell [Dec. 14th, 2007|07:10 pm]

What if Hell is not for bad people and heaven not only for good people? Perhaps people are in heaven when they make decisions that satisfy themselves. People who are happy with doing evil are in heaven. People who are happy with doing good are in heaven. It is only those of us who worry who are in hell.

Hell is for suicides not because of some afterluife, but because hell is where those who consider suicide reside. This hell is a world that suicides just want to go away. Suicides have given up on paradise and are hoping only for nothingness. Hell is the state where you want more than anything for the whole world to go away, disappear, but no amount of willing it makes it so.

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Drinking the Kool-Aid from the South [Oct. 31st, 2007|11:23 pm]

My housemate was telling me about how the people in the South just wanted freedom to live their lives in their own way. He said that the Confederacy was just like the colonies before the American Revolution. He was telling me how armies from the North, note not the United States or federal government, committed atrocities in the South during the Civil War. I would not be surprised by the existence of some atrocities on both sides. People do not fight fair in war today and these days people seem to get upset when our side kills civilians, not just when the enemy kills our civilians.

The overall message was clear. He brought up the Civil War as an example of acts similar to the Crusades. He was thinking of the North attacking the South and raping its women. Somehow this seems an odd connection. Just how much neo-Confederate propaganda has he eaten over the years?

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What needs to be secret? [Oct. 23rd, 2007|07:38 pm]
I gave my roommate a hard time for making a mess with his talcum powder in the bathroom in response to his suggesting that I was a bad roommate in class. He was joking. I was giving him a hard time for something that was not a big deal, but is true. He was quite upset that I alet the public know he used talcum powder. Why would that be a secret? Guess what? I use deodorant and hair wax.
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The day has come... [Oct. 13th, 2007|04:54 pm]
When you hear jets flying overhead, do you ever wonder if this will be the day that the US government sends F-16s and F-22s after you? Perhaps the president wants to crush pacifists. Perhaps the president wants to take out political opponents. Maybe today is the day that those trained in media criticism get it.

Could today be the day?
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Willow Tree [Oct. 11th, 2007|12:55 am]

An acquaintance asked me to go to a dance at the college. The party was sort of slow going at first. One of the hosts went next door to hang out with a friend and left the party in the lurch. A bunch of people went outside to smoke. Later I realized there was a whole group hanging out on the back porch that had been there for hours before entering the house. That seems totally whack.

Standing around decorating went to a little bit of decorating before so many the one host left and many people went out to smoke. A few of us watched like 15 minutes of Mythbusters. I eventually got frustrated with no one playing the dance music our host had on her PowerBook. There was even this guy who plugged in his pseudo-iPod from Creative and was only playing classical music. I knew it was time to intervene. I looked at songs on his machine and did not find what I was looking for.

I looked on the PowerBook and found a mix that our host that left and her sister had made. That finally got people dancing, even people who had been hanging out on the back porch.

I know it's stupid, but i totally felt crushed when this cute girl came up to me and wanted to know what year I was and how old I was. She saw that I was out of place. II know that I am older than all of them, but hey I would not have even heard of this dance if it weren't for a person who belongs to the same student group that I do, the student group that put on this party, inviting me. The girl who was up in my face had been to many fewer group events than I.

Still, despite all of that. I know I am older than them and if she called me on whether I should be there and me friends from the group weren't around I'm not sure how it would go down. The worst part is that if she weren't attractive I don't think that I would have cared so much what she thought.

Maybe I should just be in my apartment sleeping but partying is a lot more fun. It was around 12:50 am when I left, so I had been around for almost 3 hours. I hardly left without staying a while. Whatever...

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New Friend [Sep. 24th, 2007|08:07 pm]

I met a woman named Samantha on Friday. We were both on a group trip to a nearby amusement park. She served as my navigator and dj on the ride over while I drove. We hung out at the amusement park and got along really well. We totally lcicked like old friends. Some people make you feel like you're constantly tripping over yourself. Samantha made me feel like everything I had to say was just right. I felt less awkward than I have felt in years, maybe ever.

Sometime between dropping everyone off Friday night/Saturday morning and Sunday night I realized that I had developed a crush on her and absolutely had to see her again. I finally got to see her this evening. I first tried this afternoon, but she was in choir.

She is kind and friendly and caring. She let me decide whether I was comfortable enough to hang out with her floormates or not. She got me a napkin when I needed it and she told me where I had left bits of fried chicken breading behind to wipe off with the napkin.

Samantha showed me her photo albums when we got back to her room after sharing chicken with her floormates. It turns out that she has four younger brothers. That makes me think that the whole taking care of me thing may mostly be a big sister thing and mean less about how mcuh she likes me.

We hung out for a total of like an hour and a half. She had to go tutor this Japanese student. When she hugged me goodbye it was defintiely a side-hug rather than a full on frontal hug. Did I do something to offend her? How did she feel about my deviantart stuff? Did I favorite things that made her uncomfortable? How weird do you have to get to make someone who loves the Saw movies and the Suicide Club uneasy? Are we at the same place we started tonight?

Well, I feel better after seeing her even if I had hoped for more. I trying to control how much my crush affects my behavior towards her. She is totally cool and I don't want to mess this up by coming on too strong if she is uninterested in me romantically.

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Progress, well sort of [Sep. 21st, 2007|02:50 pm]

I had an interview for a job at Sears. The interview was positive in the sense that they liked me, but not so good since I amnot available when they need people. I may get a call from them around the holidays.

We just had a Menard's open up locally and they're hiring. I put in an application there and they will be doing interviews over the next couple of weeks.

I had an interview to be a song leader for campus ministries. That could be fun, but will only pay me $250 a semester at best. The people involved in Earlham's campus ministries are all great people, though their program is nothing like Hope College's chapel.

I have filled out a student loan request, but I cannot turn it in until I have a copy of my tax return. I faxed a request to the regional IRS office, but a normal response time is 2 weeks and I have less than 7 days.

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Crippling Fear [Sep. 18th, 2007|10:53 am]
[mood |freaked out]

I am afraid of being responsible. I am afraid of taking care of myself. I have been trying to repress that fear, but it has still come out only when I am unaware of it there is no way that I can control it. I sabotage myself without knowing why. I keep myself from getting a job because I do not want to be independent. It's too scary. It's too frightening.

Now I have taken the leap and I'm falling. I did not request a lon for this year since I will not have to pay tuition. However, I still need to eat and pay rent and pay fees. I have not managed to get myself together enough to find a job, but I have taken away the safety measures. I have brought myself to theworst of all possible worlds where I both do not have a job and do not have a loan.

My money is running out fast. Neither a job nor a loan will bring me money as fast as I need it. I have laid a trap for myself and theway out is far from clear.

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Apartmentmate Arrival [Aug. 23rd, 2007|10:50 pm]

My apartmentmate is set to arrive tomorrow before 6 pm. All anyone seems to tell me is that he is visually impaired. I have heard it at least ten different ways now. I heard the most detail from the director of student development, but even she only talked about his eyes.

Frankly, I'm not interested. I want to hear about his personality. I want to know whether he likes science fiction. I want to know whether he is neat or messy. What are his politics? Will he talk with me? Will we argue? Will he be quiet all the time? Where will he stand theologically and will he want to talk about it? The things I want to know no one has told me, so I await his arrival.

I am only going to be here with him for a little more than a day before I head off to Burning Man. He'll spend most of his first week in the apartment and around campus alone. Hopefully this will foster independence, but not wreck our apartmentmate relationship.

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Satire: DC Talk Stunned to Learn God a Humanist [Aug. 18th, 2007|02:59 am]

Members from DC Talk were flabbergasted when they recently learned that God called humans "very good" and even had created humanity in God's own image. "Yeah, we 're so sure humanism was a bad thing," says Kevin Max.
Toby McKeehan asks "How were we supposed to know that humanism could mean caring for other people? It's not like this stuff is all written down somewhere.
Fellow band member Michael Tait was unavailable for comment.

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